Pregnancy at 38, almost 39 is definitely a change from my pregnancies at 29 and 30.  First of all, I’m older.  An obvious mathematical statement that may leave the reader with raised eyebrows exclaiming…”and….???” Older isn’t just a numbers game though.  Older, in my opinion, encompasses so many changes that I truly believe it to be so much bigger than just a simple addition problem.  I’m calmer, I work less, my marriage is stronger, my friendships are a mix of fewer in number but much higher in quality.  My world seems to be more settled, more open to the massive change and whirlwind of chaos that a baby brings to it.

With my first two daughters I subconsciously dared them to change my world.  The spoiled child of my ego proclaimed defiantly, “We’ll still travel, still be spontaneous, still be exactly who we were before you arrived!  We won’t change a thing and you’ll have to adjust to US!”  God, The Universe, whoever you consider to be Holy, laughed hysterically and grabbed a bag of popcorn to watch the show unfold.  Because here’s the thing…those little people, no matter how small they happen to be, are actually…are you ready for this…separate entities from you!  It’s TRUE!  You don’t control them, you don’t own them, you influence them immensely for good and bad but in the end, they have a spirit all their own.  Many times they’re a mirror of your greatest weaknesses as well as your strengths–both of which drive you utterly insane when you watch them play out in another human being.  They can’t be a replay of your life’s successes or a repair of your faults…they have their own lives and lessons and your job is to sit back, watch, support, guide and be a safe place for them to fall.  I didn’t know this before.  I do now…although I still stumble over this undeniable fact more frequently than I’d like.

I welcome the personality of this baby number three.  I ponder if her intense kicks mean she’ll have a outward fire like my second child or an inner drive like my first. Either way, I hope I take the knowledge of my “advanced maternal age” and let her be whatever she’ll be as well as let her guide our family to become what it is meant to become.  Wild travel?  I’m doubting it for the next couple of years…but who knows?  Maybe she’ll love it.  Maybe she’ll be a homebody.  Either way, we’ll figure it out with a little more grace this time…because we’re “older.”

I’m not sure if this is an indication of wisdom or denial but the future seems clearer than in the past.  Maybe, just maybe, the failing sight of my age will actually provide me with clarity for greater vision.