More on the dreaded “Daycare Dropoff.” It was harder this time than before. It’s not that I’m more attached to my third than I was my first. It’s not that I now hate the job I’m heading to or even that it’s a different daycare provider. Nope, ridiculously in love with all three of my girls, still love my job and same daycare.

The difference is this…I checked ESTABLISH CAREER off my list already. When I was younger and a first/second time mom I also hadn’t made a name for myself professionally. I was an Optometrist fresh out of school that made my patients wonder if I had a clue. People didn’t pick me because they heard great things about me or my practice. They picked me because their insurance plans told them to. For any medical provider there comes a point in your career where you realize that some of your patients that you started seeing in Kindergarten are getting ready to graduate high school–and you saw them every year of that time. You watched the cute baby teeth give way to those awful first permanent teeth that are horridly spaced and seem way too big for their mouths. You saw ears get pierced,watched braces go on and off, and noticed when voices got deeper. You watched the awkward middle school years and cringed when they excitedly told you they were about to start driving. It’s an almost daily reminder of how fast this earth spins, how quickly time flies. It’s such a cool part of my job.

Although, I have to admit that once you’ve made those relationships, your practice starts to grow more easily…more smoothly. It’s not a fight anymore, the challenge is decreased. There is no denying that this brings an enormous amount of relief, but…it also gives you a sense of stability that makes it harder to walk away from that sweet little bundle of pink baby girl that challenges me daily. Hell…that challenges me hourly.

I really do mentally make huge check marks in my head beside accomplishments. Once they’re checked, I file them away in the completed folder of my brain and I add another “to do” to the “what makes up me” list. I think that’s why with this baby, at an older age and at a different point of my career, I didn’t have the same comfort when I left her. I didn’t get to reassure myself that I was heading to a job that would help me be able to check off a box. It seemed more pointless this time. Less goal driven and more dollar driven. I’m pretty sure I would have traded a lot of dollars that day to turn around, scoop up that baby girl and take her back to our nice, warm house so I could stare at her in awe some more…that seems to be a box I’ll never think is complete enough to mark “checked.”